This land is my land

DID YOU KNOW? Universal has announced production on a Candy Land motion picture.

On Saturday I am going to a holiday party that is also a toy drive. The price of admission is a wrapped toy, which is pretty cool. I kind of wish I had thought of that for the holiday party I am throwing the following day. Anyway, my friend has hosted this party for the past two years, and I've gotten in the habit of bringing Candy Land. It's fun, it's durable, it's timeless, it's Made in USA, and it teaches kids about math. I pretty much attribute all of my academic success in the fields of science and engineering to playing Candy Land as a child, trying to figure out the difference between green and double-green. And, you know, I rocked it. I never lost at Candy Land. This may reveal that I was a needy child more than it reveals any actual skill.

However, it's come to my attention that there have been a few changes in Candy Land since my childhood, most of them for the worse. Here's a sample of the most troubling:

1. The last space was changed from purple to rainbow.

Genius is ten percent inspiration and ninety percent perspiration. Similarly, Candy Land is ten percent actually moving and ninety percent sitting four spaces away from the end waiting for purple. There's no other rainbow square on the board! That doesn't even make sense. Now the games end way sooner, and kids will never learn to appreciate the satisfaction of drawing that final purple. Yo, television has shortened our attention spans enough. Candy Land used to be a sanctuary from the breakneck pace of the outside world. Now Hasbro has totally destroyed that. Destroyed it with rainbows.

2. Plumpy was changed to Mamma Ginger Tree.

Way to go, Candy Land. Remove the one reference to actual fresh fruit on a board filled with confections. And what do you replace it with? Squire Strawberry? Yablok, the Apple Gnome? No. Gingersnaps. Also, it's not even correct from a botanical perspective. Ginger doesn't grow on a tree; it's a root.

You know, my favorite fruit growing up was plums, and looking back on it, I can probably attribute that to Candy Land. Sure, Plumpy was the worst card to get--you're one purple away from winning and then you draw Plumpy, so you have to jump back to the sixth space on the board or wherever he was.* AWW, PLUMPY? COME ON! But you know what? It got us talking about Plumpy. It created a dialogue about plums in every household across America.

Growing up, there were a lot of images of cartoon characters promoting unhealthy foods. But as kids, we could always count on two things to show us the way: 1) Doug, which was obviously produced by the beet lobby, and 2) Plumpy. What do kids have now? Veggie Tales? Please.

3. Queen Frostine was changed to Princess Frostine.

What? Because women can't be in a position of power? Okay, besides that fact, notice that Queen Frostine actually rhymes. It's mellifluous. It flows off your tongue. And it's appropriate, because she's the last character on the board. There she is, up at the top, regal, haughty, surveying her domain of plums and mint and licorice from beyond the ice cream sea. You can win in two moves if you draw Queen Frostine and then double-purple. I should know--I used to stack the deck while Aunt Jeannie was in the other room making spaghetti. Nothing feels better than drawing her on your first turn and squealing in delight as you read her name: Qu-EEN Frost-EEN!! Game over. Unless I get Plumpy. Princess Frostine? That sounds like a stripper.

Anyway, for these reasons, this year, I'll be purchasing a copy of Chutes and Ladders. It uses more math, and it also taught me that you can't ice skate while riding a horse, lest you fall back 46 spaces. Going with the present I'm planning to buy for Secret Santa this year, it should make an interesting shopping trip.

*New editions of Candy Land also include a rule that you don't have to move backwards if you draw a character card for a space that is behind you. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT? Sometimes, in life, you face setbacks. You should learn to face them in Candy Land, too.